May 20, 2015 by Charlie Eisenhood in Livewire with 2 comments
The College Championships Event Guide is always a blast to look through. Although the college teams generally take less advantage of their ability to write almost whatever they want for the team bios compared to their club counterparts, there are still some highlights. Here are my top five bios.
5. Auburn (M)
Auburn Ultimate (just renamed to Aetos this season) has had mild success in the past years. Only recently has Auburn developed into a program capable of winning tournaments and beating Nationals-caliber teams. This year is the first time Auburn has flown to a tournament, played at Easterns or Stanford, won the Gulf Coast Conference title, placed top five at regionals and been to Nationals. Basically, this year has been huge in establishing this team as a heavyweight on the field and putting the program on the national scene.
This is so matter-of-fact that I love it. “Mild success.” There is no overamping of what they’ve done: just a brutally honest assessment of what the team did this year. Respect.
4. UC Santa Barbara (M)
No introduction needed…
When you play for Black Tide, you’ve earned the right to drip condescension like this. Beautiful execution.
3. Carleton (W)
What’s Syzygy, you might like to know?
Three heavenly bodies all in a row.
We’ve got the bodies, we’ve got the flow,
so come on Syzygy, let’s go.
Let’s line those bodies up 1-2-3.
We’ve got huckin’ O, we’ve got divin’ D.
We’re going to launch that disc astronomically,
so everyone knows we’re Syzygy!
Easily the best poetry in the guide. Expert job at defining syzygy. Pleasant to read. Earnest, but not try hard. Well done.
2. Middlebury (W)
We, the Pranksters, are a team that plays ultimate because we love the sport, and we love our team. We’re big, we’re strong, and we’re ready for whatever comes along. We’ve got good friends, and we’ll stick together until the end. We like ourselves; we’re worth a lot. And you can’t tell us that we’re not because you can’t see inside of us #selfworth
The jarring use of the rhymeless hashtag at the end, combined with the general trolling we’ve grown to expect from Middlebury teams, catapults this bio into the top two. Generic sports platitudes make this extra funny for this sports writer who’s had to endure banal quotes like this for years.
1. Texas (M)
Texas TUFF is one of the premier ultimate programs in the nation. Since 2002, we have qualified for Nationals in all but two years, the best finish in that time being tied for third in 2009. This year, TUFF is led by captains Chase Cunningham and Michael Hays and is coached by Calvin Lin (19th season coaching) and Will Campbell. Despite such great leadership and players, we are still mourning the losses of Will Driscoll and Mitchell Bennett.
The only bio that made me laugh out loud. Starts off like most with a general background and lulls you to sleep and then…BAM…punchline. You did good, Texas, but you clearly miss Will Driscoll, who would have written a funnier bio.